Beat the Band by Don Calame

Author:Don Calame [Calame, Don]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-7636-5209-8
Publisher: Candlewick Press
Published: 2010-08-28T04:00:00+00:00

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Sean howls. “That’s awesome!”

Matt’s eyes are wide. “Did you total your car?”

“Nah, it’s fine,” I say. “It just took a little while to pull out all the hay and pumpkin pulp from the grill when we got to the hardware store.”

“Oh, man.” Sean beams. “I wish I could have been there.”

“Yeah, it was pretty epic,” I say. “Now, remember. This stays between us. And don’t go mentioning it when we’re at my house.”

The three of us just finished the Saturday lunch special at Mr. Poon’s Chinese Restaurant and are walking over to the thrift shop to scout for band outfits.

Matt cracks open a fortune cookie and pulls out the little slip of paper. “Okay, are you ready to hear some ancient Chinese wisdom?” He pops a piece of cookie into his mouth.

“Don’t forget to add ‘in your pants,’” I say.

“Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Constant grinding,” he reads, “can turn an iron rod into a needle . . . in your pants.”

“Whoa!” Sean laughs.

“That’s good advice there, Mattie,” I say. “You do realize that means you’re going to have to find a new hobby, but still.”

Matt makes a wanking gesture.

“I said a new hobby, Matt.”

Sean and I crack up.

“I’m next.” Sean breaks open a cookie and pulls out the slip. “Special times are created when an unconventional person comes —”

“In your pants!” I shout, pointing both my index fingers at him.

Matt socks Sean in the shoulder. “That’s totally gay, dude. But not unexpected.”

Sean flips Matt the bird, then turns to me. “All right, Coop. Your turn. I’m dying to see what’s going on in your pants these days.”

Bits of fortune cookie spray out of Matt’s mouth.

I give Sean a do-I-even-have-to-respond-to-that look.

I snap open a cookie, pull out the fortune, and read it to myself. Uh-oh. Gonna have to do a little editing here. “Yup. Here we go. You possess the key to unlimited satisfaction . . . in your pants.” I nod. “Guess that about sums it up.”

“I’m so sure.” Matt rips the fortune from my fingers. I try to grab it back but he dodges me and reads it. “Uh-huh. Like I thought. A member of your family will soon do something that makes you very happy . . . in your pants.”

Sean and Matt bust up.

Matt rolls up the fortune and flicks it at me. “Sick. But also, not surprising.”

“I think you misread that, dawg,” I say. “It must have said ‘a member of Matt’s family.’ Because I’ve got that date with your mamma tonight.”

Matt grins. “That’s totally weird, cause I’ve got a date with yours. And your sister. They want to show me something called ‘The Cincinnati Sandwich.’ I don’t know, have you ever heard of that?”

“No, I haven’t, Matt. But I’ll be sure to ask your mom tonight. Although she might be too polite to talk with her mouth full.”

“Oh, yeah?” Matt grabs me in a headlock and drills a killer noogie into my scalp.

“Ow. Jesus.”

“What are you doing tonight?” he says, laughing and boring his knuckles into my skull.

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